Funny Celebrity

2008-09-13T20:15:00.002-04:00

Brooke Hogan works a lot, guys!

When asked if she was voting for Barack Obama in the upcoming election, Brooke Hogan said she was just glad an emotional, menopausal woman wasn't in the race, and wanted to know more about his opponent Ike. After it was explained to her that John McCain is the Republican nominee and Eisenhower's "Vote for IKE" campaign shouldn't be confused with Hurricane Ike, which has ravaged the Texas coast, Brooke made a shout out to God and VH1' s "I Love Money."

This is not really how Brooke's conversation with Defamer went down of course... I mean, come on, there's no way Brooke knows who Dwight Eisenhower is! How could she? She doesn't even know about McCain's controversial, historic, and disturbing choice for VP -- Sara Palin.

Well, we can rule out some explanations for this...

1. She's doing charity in a third-world country and doesn't have a TV
2. She's a single mom working 60 hours a week in order to give her child a comfortable lifestyle, so is a little out of touch with equally out-of-touch politicians
3. She's a disenfranchised racial minority who's lost all faith in the government and tunes out political news
4. She's been in a coma for several months

Here's the real explanation, from the horse's mouth:

1. She works a lot
2. She tries to ignore the US media as much as possible

Oh, really?!? To your credit, it does take a lot of balls to pretend to be beautiful and talented, and you sure have the necessary balls for that. But I doubt you're working more than 3 hours a week (if that... singing poorly, posing for magazines that later airbrush the chin out of you, and making sure not to run into the trailing cameramen on your reality show doesn't totally count as work).

With just one Google image search, I actually discovered that you're at the beach 361 days a year and you have precisely 100,720 muscle-hugging bikinis.

I also find it difficult to believe you're turned off by the US media, when it's the only reason anyone knows who you are, and it's the only reason you and your family have so much money and thus don't have to work more than 3 hours a week... after all, you followed up your pop's reality show (co-starring you) with your very own, which you've ironically used to spout off to the country about why perpetually PMS-ing women like Hilary Clinton shouldn't run for pres.

But what do I know? I mean, you really do know best. Indeed, God would make a great president.

Hey, maybe I'm being a little mean. If my mom and dad recently divorced, and each underwent an American Beauty-style crisis and dated someone my age, and my brother was in jail for at-fault car crash that led to the near-vegetation of his best buddy, I probably wouldn't give much of a fuck about Sarah Palin either.

2008-06-26T17:33:00.009-04:00

Fill in the blank...

Ali Lohan will get a nose job in ___ months?

2008-06-26T16:23:00.008-04:00

The New Famous

Forget blockbuster movies, hit television shows, number one songs, best-selling books, scandalous court cases, history-altering inventions, scientific discoveries, heroic tales, or political titles; to become a household name, all you need is a bunch of Myspace friends!

At least that's how reality TV queen Tila Tequila rose to fame. The social networking diva, once a Playboy Cyber Girl, boasts more than three million Myspace friends today. That's two million more than what rocketed her to stardom. (Tila had roughly one million friends when Stuff Magazine "discovered" her.)

Tila's self-produced songs, self-advertising, self-importance, friend adding skills, and in effect - loyal fan base, transformed her into a product worthy of mass exploitation. From posters to magazine covers to reality TV shows, Tila has marketed herself to the hilt. Is she a renaissance woman, or did she simply have the brains to insert herself into as many different entertainment channels as possible? Modeling, music, semi-nude porn, MTV – I’m afraid to ask what’s next!

But Tila is just one example of a new generation of celebrities who don't need talent agents, or even talent for that matter, to become famous, and furthermore - don't need to be branded by movie studios, record labels, television networks, or publicists. For instance: Tequila is, unsurprisingly, a stage name; her real, not-so-catchy last name "Nguyen" was scrapped from the get-go. (If Tila’s favorite poison was whiskey, would I be writing an article about her right now?) Do-it-yourself marketing is the new name of the game and it’s sweeping the entertainment world, for better or worse.

Once a web 2.0-savvy celebrity turns his or her fate over to anybody but the fans, the story becomes familiar. But his or her YouTube, Myspace, Blogger-inspired journey to fame is what sets him or her apart from the Britney Spears', Angelina Jolies, and Lindsey Lohans of the world.

While it seems socialite Paris Hilton and famous little sisters Brooke Hogan and Ashlee Simpson fit this bill, they really don’t. They may not have a lick of street credit to back up their music/movie careers, but the rich and nepotistic are nothing new to society. So what about Lauren Conrad and the rest of “The Hills” gang? Considering that “The Real World” first aired in 1992, Lauren is no pioneer either.

Perez Hilton, on the other hand, has helped Tila pave the way for starry-eyed nobodies everywhere. Whether it's a Myspace profile or a gossip blog commanding the attention of Internet users, page views are page views are page views. And for now, the playing field is precariously level.

Even celebrities with standard claims to fame (I answered a casting call, got discovered by a talent agent in a diner, got signed by a record label, knew someone who knew someone) are borrowing these easy 21^st century marketing techniques. Instead of releasing press statements, the rich and famous write blog entries; in some cases, they desperately solicit press via Myspace (see Brooke Hogan).

What have not changed are the fans. It's not interesting that you read Perez Hilton every day; what's interesting is how you came to read Perez Hilton. Did you stumble across the notorious and sassy blog on Google or did a friend tell you about it? This is the revolutionary step from unknown to superstar that Tila, as rabidly annoying as she is, keenly understood several years ago.

It’s a naturally American concept really; equal opportunity for all! If Google persists as an authoritatively fair search engine, anyone can have a show on VH1. You, Average Joe (or Jane), possess the potential to captivate millions and millions of people at any given moment, for free, and from the comfort of your own home. It could take an entire year for a hard-working street performer to reach such an audience.

If you can’t manage to grab the attention of millions of people, why not garner the affection (or hate) of a few thousand instead? Many Internet micro-celebrities, like Lisa Nova, Chris Crocker, and William Sledd, have hundreds of thousands of fans each, and counting! So far, they’ve needed only a small semblance of a Middle Man to maintain this momentum. (Unless YouTube counts as a Middle Man!) In its heyday, this modest little blog had several thousand hits a month; a thousand unique readers came back week after week.

Is it now easier than ever to go from rags to riches? The entertainment industry is hardly the only one affected by mass communications. Every profession probably has its own Tila Tequila.

But how long will this last? Will traditional media tame the unstoppable, powerful beast we know of as the Internet, and if it does, will there be enough room for all of us?

Funny Celebrity comeback post!

2007-07-21T13:36:00.000-04:00

Harry Hilton.

If you want to witness a look of both confusion and dismay, go find a random person off the street and say to them: "I've never read Harry Potter."

I know it's easier to believe broomsticks can fly than is to believe I haven't read a single book by J.K. Rowling, but I haven't and I don't plan to. The movies are enjoyable enough, but I figure if I'm going to begin a habit of reading, I'll pick up something a little more literary and/or educational.

It seems any one of us could write a compelling adventure/soap opera about wizards. There's no limit to your imagination and thus you can create just about any situation and it will come across as magical, entertaining, and realistic in the Harry Potter universe. So that's why I don't understand why Rowling is hailed as some sort of genius.

Couldn't a 10-year-old jot down similar plot outlines? Say what you will about the scatterbrained Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy -- there's a real brilliant wit and originality to them. Hey, I've no doubt Harry Potter is written with great competence and I'm not about to start genuinely criticizing an author I've never read. But I haven't read Lord of the Rings or Star Wars (novels/screenplays/adaptations) either, and by the general stories, I understand why Token and Lucas are considered such masters of fantasy. I don't even need any arcane insight to appreciate the worlds Token and Lucas crafted! Because, you see, there's an internal logic to Lord of the Rings and Star Wars.

Harry Potter is just plain random. Yes, you've got the Good v. Evil focus holding it all together, but any writer can rely upon that pretty effortlessly; there's not much more meat than that. Delightful, cute, fun, creative, and even timeless? Sure! But genius? From my vantage point, Rowling got a good idea in her head and simply ran with it. An idea, I'll add, that was buried in obscure movies and books like The Worst Witch. Beyond that, it just seems like she's making it up as she goes along.

Wake me up when this craze is over. Because of all you nutty Harry Potter fanatics, CNN spent more than 50% of its morning newscast, I reckon, on the latest book release. They even interviewed little kids about it.

I know this isn't a fleshed-out rant, but I don't want to spend a lot of time on this subject!

Just don't evangelize me, k?

2007-07-08T19:00:00.000-04:00

John Mayer is annoying, just like all of Jessica Simpson's ex-boyfriends.

Every year will see a few one hit wonders. I really thought "No Such Thing" was going to be the one hit wonder of 2002. After it played on the radio 3.5 billion times (yeah, I did the research, it played exactly 3.5 billion times! or at least I felt like it did), we surely wouldn't hear from its creator John Mayer ever again.

Mayer just didn't seem like music superstar material to me. His face looks like that of a sleepy, sick alien. His voice is nothing short of irritating. He has silly stage presence. Wouldn't people get tired of him after a few months? But he didn't go away.

He stuck around for another five years in fact. To top it off, Time named him one of the Most Influential People of 2007!!!

For what??? Breaking up with Jessica Simpson... twice? (Jessica's wonderland got a little boring after a while, huh John?) For charity work that's funded by special sales of Mayer memorabilia? Wooptey doo, the price of a front row ticket to one of your shows goes toward your charity fund, how very Bono of you. For writing a blog entry telling people to care about Global Warming?

When Dane Cook was said to have had a few sexy rendezvous with Jessica Simpson, he lost a whole lot of my esteem (not that he wasn't already gradually falling from grace with his repetitive comedy routines and crappy career choices) and I'm starting to see a trend: Simpson's boyfriends are just plain annoying, no? (In addition to ex husband Nick Lachey, she apparently had a fling with another annoying vocalist... Adam Levine.) Levine, ps, also was rumored to have dated Natalie Portman. So he mustn't be that annoying if the lovely Portman fancied him.

I've never been one for singers with a) breathy voices or b) an air of self-importance and Mayer fits into both those categories, so I guess we just weren't meant to have any kind of amicable relationship post-"No Such Thing."

My tip to Mayer: date someone a little less orange than Jessica Simpson next time, or get a tanning booth membership!

2007-07-01T18:59:00.000-04:00

The Best Way to Spend Your Sunday Nights This Summer: HBO's "Flight of the Conchords"

Football hasn't started yet. March Madness is long over. Your favorite shows are in hibernation. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy some great television though! The networks get experimental during the summer and as a result, we have a new, delightful comedy series on HBO to discover and absorb -- "Flight of the Conchords."

New Zealand's Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie have performed in their mock folk/sometimes hip-hop band Flight of the Conchords for years, but up until now their fans in the US consisted mainly of search-savvy Youtubers and folks who were lucky enough to catch their concert special on HBO from a while back. (You can probably still watch it On Demand.)

I've been a cheerleader for Jemaine and Bret for a long time -- I could probably even track down a 2-year-old blog entry of me raving about them. Why? Well, take any "comedy duo" in America today and multiply the chemistry by 100 and you have Flight of the Conchords.

Straight man Bret plays a gentler counterpart to stony, persistently awkward Jemaine (who you'll recognize from the Outback Steakhouse commercials). Their musical act was once bound to the stage, but Jemaine and Bret's surprisingly complex characters are well-deserving of a television series. A simple, goofy exterior (and not to mention catchy melodies and hilarious lyrics) will draw you in, but the more you watch these characters unfold, the more you'll see yourself in them.

Jemaine is probably one of the most talented working actors right now, possessing the rare ability to deliver five emotions with just one look. His simultaneously perplexed and disgruntled stare is one of my favorites.

When I attended the South by Southwest film festival this March, I was pleasantly surprised to see Jemaine in Eagle v. Shark, playing a Napoleon Dynamite-like character in a Napolean Dynamite-like movie. He's a lot more lovable in "Flight of the Conchords" though, and of course he's got his guitar to back him up. (Not that he needs it.)

So, if you've got nothing to do this Sunday night or heck, even if you do -- cancel your plans!, and take a look at "Flight of the Conchords." Broadway fans will be thrilled to see Sutton Foster in a lead role and Flight of the Conchords fans will be happy to hear some of their favorite songs recycled and polished. For the rest of you, what have you got to lose? There's nothing else to watch!

The humor is sometimes a bit subtle, but I think an investment in the show is worth it just to get a taste of the two main actors, who I've no doubt will go very far if they want to.

2007-06-21T17:40:00.000-04:00

The Ten Hottest Lesbians
Why not?

I really can't justify having a strong opinion about which lesbians are hot and which are, well, not so hot. After all, I'm only half lesbian -- I'm a female, but a heterosexual one. I'd like to think, though, that if I was a lesbian or a heterosexual male who fantasizes about (i.e. jacks off to the thought of) lesbians, I'd have good taste. You be the judge!

It took quite a bit of research to figure out who only plays a lesbian on TV and who is hiding in the closet, but I did my best. Here are my picks for the ten hottest lesbians, give or take a few bisexuals! (It seems the casting director of "The L Word" agrees with me.)

Portia de Rossi

For years, Portia was that pretty actress who seemed vaguely familiar, popping up in random TV shows and movies, but was in the end, hard to place (though fans of "Ally McBeal" would disagree). In 2004, she encountered a new level of fame as Ellen Degeneres' real-life girlfriend. It wasn't until 2006, however, that she forged an identity for herself as a talented actress... that is the year she surprised audiences with her pitch perfect performance in Fox's short-lived but memorable "Arrested Development," playing the the ultra-conceited, gold digging Lindsay Bluth. Her flawless blond hair, killer smile, and enchanting eyes that say "I know something you don't know!" secure her as one of the most beautiful women on this planet! Consider her Rapunzel with an edge. Degeneres is one lucky lady.

Michelle Rodriguez

She hasn't officially come out, but there's little question that Michelle Rodriguez is a lesbian... and a sexy one at that! She's more than just a hot ass, though -- she could probably kick yours. After her acting debut in Girlfight, Rodriguez continued to get type cast as the "tough chick" -- take her roles in Fast and the Furious, Resident Evil, S.W.A.T, Bloodrayne, and "Lost," for instance. I don't think we'll see her starring alongside Hugh Grant in a romantic comedy anytime soon.

Leisha Hailey

K.D. Lang's ex-girlfriend Leisha is as cute as a button with her Meg Ryan-esque squint. She's recently earned a big fan base because of her role in "The L Word." It's hard to stand out in the hit show's crowd of beautiful lesbian characters, but Leisha does it well, playing girlie girl Alice.

Kristanna Loken

With just one look, the openly bisexual Kristanna (aka the "Terminator 3 chick") can steam up the screen in an instant. She's got nearly perfect facial features and a body that's to die for; it's really no wonder she began a modeling career at the age of 15 -- she's an exotic and entrancing beauty like no other. Let's face it, the only good thing about Bloodrayne was her sex appeal and luckily for fans, she's now found a home on TV in "The L Word" and "Painkiller Jane."

Kate Moennig

Kate won't share her sexual orientation with the press, but I'd assume that if she was straight -- she'd say so, like her other heterosexual "L Word" costars. Regardless, she could probably turn a straight woman gay -- if you looked up androgyny, you'd see Kate's picture! She's one of those people that everyone is instantly attracted to, male or female, gay or straight. And that's why she easily makes this list.

Nelly Furtado

Yep, Nelly likes the boys and the girls! She's like a bird... she likes to fly away... she doesn't know where her vagina will take her next. The striking singer from Canada is another inevitable pick.

Angelina Jolie

Brad Pitt has a LOT of competition... as the woman he left Jennifer Aniston for swings both ways. The luscious Angelina is one of the most bewitchingly beautiful actresses in Hollywood today and her recent non-movie role as a jet setting humanitarian and activist has certainly made her both desirable and admirable. Go ahead paparazzi, just try to take an unflattering snapshot of Angelina! (Hard thing to do.)

Guinevere Turner

Who's Guinevere, you ask? Well, she's Portia's ex-girlfriend and she's just as lovely as her name. Guinevere is a triple threat in Hollywood: she can act, write, and direct. She not only was behind the scenes of "The L Word," but she also got in front of the camera. Not to mention, she wrote the critically-acclaimed The Notorious Bettie Page. However, another film she wrote -- Bloodrayne, which starred fellow lesbian hotties Kristanna Loken and Michelle Rodriguez -- really was notorious. Let's cross our fingers she doesn't do another video game adaptation.

Jackie Warner

The fitness trainer who stars in Bravo's "Work Out" is also one sultry lesbian. She grew up an athletic child and is apparently a very good equestrian. No, equestrian isn't a sexual term! She rides horses. (Speaking of horses, I could kill a small one for her abs.)

Ani DiFranco

Ani is one of those unusual beauties you love to look at. She's pretty easy on the ears too -- Ani has been hailed as one of the greatest singer-songwriters of our time, right next to Tori Amos, and while she's only ever flirted with mainstream radio, she's a well-known artist and bisexual at that.

2007-06-18T15:04:00.000-04:00

Homestar at Home on the Web

The strange and lovable animated characters found at homestarrunner.com will not get a TV show on Comedy Central. I bet you didn't even know it was a possibility! Well, now that you've thought about it, it seems appropriate, huh? C'mon, the Poopsmith totally belongs on Adult Swim!!!

But for now, creators Matt and Mike Chapman are content to keep Homestar Runner, Strong Bad, Marzipan, and all the other oddball peripheral characters they developed over the years on the Internet. But why? Well, it's extremely rare and completely goes against human nature for people to refuse money and fame, but that seems to be what's going on here.

The Chapman brothers are control freaks basically. They don't want some producer breathing down their necks and taking the last word from them. Plus, they make a load off of merchandising, so they don't really need to sell out either. But I mean, how many millionaires need that extra million?

So, kudos to the Chapman's for avoiding temptation and preserving the integrity of their crazy little flash-terpieces. Though I do believe Strong Bad would disapprove, opting instead to bow down to the highest bidder.

I wonder what Pom Pom would say about it? Probably something like "bubble bubble."

2007-06-15T13:46:00.000-04:00

Thank you!

Almost 4,500 people have visited Funny Celebrity in less than three months (year 2007 = April through June), and a thousand of them keep coming back for more. Not half-bad for a humble little blog like this. Thanks guys! Keep coming and commenting and I'll keep updating!

2007-06-09T13:36:00.000-04:00

Celebrity Injustice?

(*update: read this great article for more context*)

On every major news network over the past few days, the eight most powerful leaders of the world were hilariously dwarfed by America's favorite spoiled brat: socialite Paris Hilton, owner of the phrase "that's hot" and a whole bunch of other things you'll never afford.

Just four months after the media circus that surrounded Anna Nicole Smith's surprising death took hostage of people's TV's, the latest Hollywood scandal and its loyal set of reporters takes the cake. (I just keep picturing Serious CNN Reporter asking Star Magazine Paparazzi for tips on how to best cover the story.) People will remember LA's flip flopping on Paris' jail sentence decades to come. They'll forget about the G8 summit and the entertaining police v. protester boat race it inspired tomorrow. If they haven't already.

I wonder if Lindsay Lohan is upset that the spotlight, previously infatuated with her (and her crotch), has now given its full attention to one of her apparent rivals? Maybe Lohan will pummel her car into another curb to get attention.

Paris, whose golden tan is about to say "bye bye," traded in her runway model smirk for tears as she was dramatically hauled back to jail yesterday afternoon. Even Paris' toughest critics felt a little sorry for her -- no one deserves to get stuck in the middle of a bizarre battle between a sneaky sheriff and stubborn judge. Though getting mocked by Sarah Silverman on live TV at the MTV Movie Awards is way worse!

But what was this seemingly contrived battle really about? Talking heads are quick to point the finger at the sheriff, a man either charmed or bribed by his celebrity prisoner, and admire the judge for a refreshingly fair ruling that was almost unduly undermined.

Most spectators are just stuck on what they would do if put in the judge's shoes. "If it was my courtroom, blah blah blah." Well, it's not your courtroom! Did you graduate from law school? Did you get elected by the people to be a judge? If you answered "no"... shut the fuck up!

The logic usually goes like this: "Paris needs to learn a lesson. She'll learn it in jail." You should have heard the darling of Fox News, Sean Hannity, and his bloviations on the subject, which he shared on both his radio and television shows. He said the phrase "she thumbed her nose at the law" at least twice! Anyways, according to Hannity, Paris needs to take a deep look into her soul and find religion or something like that.

Is this a legal opinion? No, not at all. I'm sure we'd all be better people if we spent 20 odd days in a tiny jail cell without the usual comforts. Can you drink coffee there? They'd have to put me in caffeine detox.

Even if we got ass raped, or shot in the head for knowing a little too much about a fellow prisoner's innocence, or had to crawl through a river of shit, we'd probably be better human beings for it. Unless we ended up dead of course. Going to prison is a character building experience! Morgan Freeman told me so, in a very convincing tone of voice.

Alas, the logic for her prison stay should depend on the answers to the following questions:
1. Was Paris' original sentence typical? (No! It was EXCESSIVE.)
2. Was it a typical practice for the sheriff to do what he did? (YES. The jail was overcrowded and 90% of its inmates are felons, says the sheriff. Paris doesn't belong there! If she was any less famous, she'd be back at home, happy as a dog -- who cares if they justified her release with a medical condition?)

This is what the real debate is. It's not a black vs. white, rich vs. poor debate -- at least not with the popular spin that's been thrown on it. What happened was the judge tried to make an example of her because her profile is as high as that college roommate who almost got you in trouble because they kept smoking inside the dorm room.

You can agree or disagree with the laws and the way the sheriff and the judge handled them, but Paris shouldn't go to jail because you think she needs to learn a lesson. You know you love to hear about Paris' most recent tabloid story, and if you want her to go to jail, that's just because it's a great story!

Hey, it's fun to make fun of celebrities. But it's not fun to put them in jail because they annoy us.

2007-06-01T13:13:00.000-04:00

Since when is Hilary Duff sexy?

Have you seen "the Duff's" latest music videos? She's baring her midriff, wearing wigs, squinting her eyes, moving her hips from side to side, etc. In other words, she's trying REALLY HARD to be sexy. She's even stopped smiling -- instead she pouts and devilishly grins, but you just know deep down she wants to stretch that grin all the way from ear to ear; her pearly whites are way too Toothpaste Commercial for a hot, steamy music video.

Who wouldn't adore Duff as Lizzie McGuire or at least stomach her as one of Steve Martin's twelve children? But when it comes down to it, she is no Beyonce. Or Shakira. Or Pussycat Doll. Or early 2000's Britney Spears. Hell, she's not even a 2007 Lindsay Lohan.

Her vocals: bland, boring, completely unremarkable. Her dancing: loosen up girl!!! Her sex appeal: MIA. Duff's a beautiful girl -- but does anyone else see a chipper cheerleader pretending to be all Serious and Sexy when watching videos like "With Love" and "Stranger?"

Sigh. I'm not so sure sex sells anymore.

So Duff -- do what you do best! Be cute and bubbly. It's okay. Guys will still want to fuck you.

*On a side note: go see Knocked Up. I saw it at South by Southwest in March, it's totally worth your 8+ bucks.

2007-05-28T19:09:00.000-04:00

Will somebody please cover Fergie's latest song "Big Girls Don't Cry," because the melody and some of the lyrics are pretty, but she has an annoying nasally voice with zero range.

(You can cover her face too.)

2007-05-23T01:47:00.001-04:00

Bullshit!

One of the most repetitive and least creative networks on cable television is E! entertainment.

Yes, we all love "E! True Hollywood Story" for its groundbreaking investigative journalism and scandalous insights into the lives of celebrities. I'm pretty sure "THS" could even make my life interesting. Just throw in a little insidious music to accompany a heavy, masculine voice-over and I'm sure you'd be on the edge of your seat hearing about how I once wrote a blog entry making fun of E!

Still, E! has a pretty basic formula that's way more obvious than even MTV's or the CW's. Ready for it? Rank and recap. Rank and recap. Rank and recap.

When I go to the E! online website, I discover a bunch of reality television shows like "Dr. 9021." But whenever I'm actually flipping the channels, all I ever see on E! is "The [number] [adjective(s)] [nouns]." For instance, tonight they're showing "The 50 Most Shocking Celebrity Scandals."

(Later on, it's "E! News" and "The Daily Ten," which will surely consist of recaps of entertainment stories from the day that might possibly re-air on E!'s "Slightly Less Shocking Celebrity Scandals.")

It seems that what takes up the majority of airtime on E! is essentially nothing more than whatever list the E!mplyees come up with on a weekly basis and can get famous, funny people to comment on. "100 Hot Celebrity Bods," "50 Best Love Songs," "5,000 Greatest Celebrity Break-ups From Just This Past Year Alone," etc... the lists go on and on and on.

Sleeping dogs will never lie if E! is around. They will just get ranked and recapped and brought up every two and a half months or so. Don't you forget about O.J. Simpson!!! If you try to, E! will make up a list that includes him on it. "10 Most Infamous Athletes" or "55 Celebrity Golfers/Murderers" or something.

Vh1 does a much better job at this shtick. "I Love the 80's" and "Best Week Ever" are actually entertaining, even though E! apparently has a monopoly on entertainment.

So for the next E! special... may I suggest "100 Most Boring E! Specials?"

2007-05-16T11:39:00.000-04:00

Maxim's Gone Mad

Just when you thought People magazine had bad taste in women (and that includes Pete Wentz), Maxim magazine recently published its "Hot 100" list for 2007 and proved once again that no matter how many people and how much coke you do, guys will still think you're hot.

Lindsay Lohan, the cute little red-headed freckled actress turned compelling protagonist of Mean Girls turned compulsive vagina flasher and cocaine snorter, tops Maxim's list. You'd think they'd rank her just a teeny bit lower due to her increasingly ugly insides, but she's actually moved up two spots from last year. At least we can say that if we didn't know anything about Firecrotch, we'd admire her looks on a purely objective basis. (Well, with her vagina covered up.)

But that's only the start of it.

FERGIE and AVRIL LAVIGNE and ASHLEE SIMPSON are in the top 20! Fergie even beat out Angelina Jolie. Shall we do a side-by-side comparison to fully illustrate how ludicrous this is?

Notice how Fergie's face is not real.

(I think plastic surgery and/or pounds of makeup should disqualify a woman from a competition like this. But that means at least 50 of the Hot 100 would be booted out faster than you can say "would you like a pair of double D's?")

Another mysterious choice Maxim made was to rank Ashley Olson at #37. Where's Mary Kate, you ask? NOWHERE! Did someone forget to tell Maxim that Mary Kate and Ashley Olson LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE, GIVE OR TAKE A FEW POUNDS?

Perhaps they ruled Mary Kate out because of her eating disorder. But based on the rest of the choices the magazine made, Maxim seems to care very little about personality. And even so, don't they know eating disorders are stylish these days?

Ashlee Simpson is probably thrilled that Maxim deemed her hotter than big sis Jessica, especially after being snubbed by People. And Avril's probably pretty psyched to rank higher than Hilary Duff and Mandy Moore.

I'm sure if Avril could say something about it, she'd make a drunken slur along the lines of "those bitches -- who I don't even compare myself to because they're pop stars and I'm an artist -- can suck it!!!! [Sticks out tongue and makes the devil horns hand sign for 'rock' to appear wild and crazy.] Can I have another beer?"

Elder Duff made the cut as well. You can't escape nepotism in Hollywood. Less hot sisters are riding on the coattails of their hotter sisters left and right.

A few gorgeous females are curiously missing in action. (They were neglected by People too.) I'm referring to beauties like Natalie Portman of course. My only guess is it's because she hasn't starred in a huge movie this year. Oh, and also she's also not a drugged-out whore.

2007-05-14T16:22:00.000-04:00

YouTube or BushTube?

Remember those classic army propaganda films that flooded America's movie theaters during World War II? Well, obviously you don't remember them. I doubt many people born before 1970 read this blog. But you probably heard about them in your history class. Well, here's an unfortunate example of history repeating itself.

You won't believe -- or, in actuality, you probably won't find surprising at all -- the US Military's latest attempt to force a pair of rose-colored glasses on us.

Soldiers can't use sites like YouTube and Myspace anymore. The Military says "operational security" is merely a nifty byproduct of blocking over 100 sites from soldiers; its main concern is bandwidth. Hey, you guys have a pretty slow commander-in-chief, so who cares about the server?

But anyways, we all know the real reason why soldiers aren't allowed total freedom on the web.

Curiously enough, to conveniently fill this new vacuum, the Pentagon has kick started a Multi-National Force-Iraq channel on YouTube. (Smells a lot like the government-sponsored "documentary" Why We Fight.) Hey, if it looks like propaganda, talks like propaganda, and acts like propaganda, then it's probably a sincere effort by the Pentagon to build bridges between the American people and its government and offer genuine information about what's going on in Iraq.

Whether it's green tea companies or the government, not even revolutionary sites like YouTube can stay democratic and independent for too long. Honestly, I think if the government doesn't try to silence you or at the very least, join you -- if you're any kind of media outlet that is -- then you're doing something wrong. So, go YouTube.

2007-05-10T01:09:00.001-04:00

Well, at least he's not addicted to crack.

You gotta give it to Kirk Cameron. The cute and cuddly "Growing Pains" star from the 1980's didn't proceed to self-destruct and quietly fall off the face of the Earth like so many other child actors of his time did. (Even his co-star developed a waist-slimming eating disorder.)

Kirk knew that after a certain point, he couldn't be on the cover of Teen Beat anymore. (I mean, that'd be creepy if he was on it today, at almost 40 years of age, and it would also be impossible -- as the magazine doesn't exist anymore.) But he soon discovered a group of people that appreciated his newfound maturity.

Christians. And fortunately for him, there were lots of them and they loved him. There have been THREE horribly-acted, albeit direct-to-video, Left Behind movies released!

You can't really dislike Kirk. I bet even Christian-bashing Osama bin Laden likes him; he probably laughed at the episode where Alan Thicke got mad at one of the kids.

But the increasingly well-known Rational Response Squa d were cold-hearted enough to debate the wide-eyed evangelist and his banana-loving pal Ray Comfort. Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "debate?" I meant "give the beat down to." I didn't watch ABC's official "Nightline" special that aired tonight, but I did watch an online version of it.

And... it was pretty brutal.

As an atheist, an intelligent discussion on religion is appealing to me. But after watching Kirk's half a brain battle Brian Sapient's whole brain, I just ended up feeling sorry for poor old Kirk. He had nothing but metaphors and faith up his sleeve. It's pretty obvious Kirk's tutor on the set of "Growing Pains" did not properly communicate the subject of science to him.

In the end, Kirk didn't wage a war on the Response Squad... no, he waged a war on the Army of Straw Men. In other words: he did not bring it.

I like Kirk; he seems to be a genuinely good guy. So, let's just say I'm glad we won't likely ever see an "E! True Hollywood Story" on him that doesn't have a happy ending. Unless the Rational Responders manage to pop his bubble. But I just don't think he's got a lot rolling around in that pretty little head of his.

Or else he never would have agreed to this "face-off" in the first place.

*This is NOT a political or controversy-wrangling blog!!! I get enough opinionated responses about Brooke Hogan as is; I certainly don't want to bring God into this! :) This is more an observation on Kirk, not Christians as a whole. See, it says Funny Celebrity, not Funny Christian.

*Update: check out highlights from the debate here.

2007-05-04T15:00:00.000-04:00

Fuck you too WB. (Oh sorry, CW.)

I went to high school and college with Rory Gilmore. We went through the awkward shy teenager phase together, the nerve-wracking college application process together, majored in journalism together, and we're now graduating and looking for a job together. Okay, so Rory goes to Yale and I go to the University of Texas. That's beside the point!

But like with so many people you know from your high school and college years, there comes a time when you have to say goodbye to them. And that time is nearing.

Goodbye Rory, Lorelai, Luke, Paris, Logan, Sookie, Stars Hollow... I'll never forget you! (Because you'll be in syndication.) The CW, formally known as the WB, has canceled the beloved dramedy "Gilmore Girls" -- the final episode will air May 15. As sad as it is, it's not a big surprise. Anyone who's been following the current season can tell the writers have been gradually resolving some very dramatic plot lines and have been obviously affectionate of their characters. (As if they know time's running out.) And they've done a good job at wrapping up the show -- it's just as funny, touching, and clever as it ever was.

The CW has no reason to exist anymore. "Gilmore Girls" is the only good thing on it. In fact, it's one of the most well-written and endearing shows on television. Period.

Well, I hear "Veronica Mars" is pretty awesome. But let's take a look at what else Primetime CW offers: "One Tree Hill," "America's Next Top Model," "7th Heaven" (which is also on its last legs, thank God), "Pussycat Dolls: The Search for the Next Doll" (apparently they're going to do a second season, how many Pussycat Dolls do we need in this world?), "Smallville" (yawn), "Supernatural," "Beauty and the Geek," and "Hidden Palms" (a new soap opera about the beautiful, rich, and of course murderous).

So, with the exception of "Veronica Mars," the CW has completely devolved into the stupid teenager network. I wish someone would cancel the CW! I've been watching "The Gilmore Girls" for seven years, but I don't think the loss will really kick in until next year when I don't have anything to watch on Tuesday nights.

I suppose it would've been hard to drag "Gilmore Girls" on for an eighth season, what with the characters going off to separate parts of the country and all, but Variety reports money was the main factor that killed the show. Well, when your budget is primarily devoted to crappy television, it's not like you're going to invest much in quality. Not to mention, Alexis Bledel and Lauren Graham are probably eager to pursue their movie careers and wouldn't stay put unless given a major pay raise.

Alas, thanks for the consistently witty banter and heartfelt drama "Gilmore Girls"; it was nice knowing you!

2007-05-02T22:23:00.000-04:00

100 Most Famous of 2007

People magazine's list of the 100 most beautiful people in 2007 is littered with some of the expected names: Scarlett Johansson, Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson (barf), Jessica Biel, Eva Longoria, Halle Berry, Jennifer Lopez, and Beyonce.

Apparently, babies destined to grow up to be hotties are named Jessica (and Jennifer too; Garner and Aniston made the list as well). It would suck to be an ugly Jessica.

I think it's awesome People had a no-makeup photo shoot and highlighted some over-the-hill beauties like Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep. But you know what baffles me? It probably baffled you too. Drew Barrymore beat out all of these aforementioned names for the #1 spot.

Drew Barrymore! Yeah, she's cute. Kind of like a pug-nosed pup. But the MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD? Okay, okay. It's not like they're eager to put Angelina Jolie on the cover again, despite her perfect face and perfect boobs and not to mention, she's like the next Mother Theresa or something. But where's drop-dead gorgeous Natalie Portman or Eva Green or Evan Rachel Wood? Or Jack Sparrow's love interest Keira Knightley? They all have stuff going on in 2007, so why were they excluded? Did Natalie Portman's agent just forget to send People a memo saying "Hey, just a reminder, Natalie Portman is one of the most beautiful people in the world and also she has movies coming out soon."

This wouldn't piss me off so much if PETE WENTZ and CARRIE UNDERWOOD and FERGIE weren't on this list.

You heard right. The girl who wants Jesus to take the wheel and the guy who thinks guyliner is the best thing since sliced bread are some of the most beautiful people in the world; Jared Leto made it cool way before you did, dude. (I think it's safe to say why Wentz wasn't part of the no-makeup photo shoot.) I can think of a dozen or so band mates twenty times hotter than Wentz.

But I do find it impossibly amusing he's considered prettier than his girlfriend, who didn't make the cut (even though her older sis did). I imagine Ashlee writing in her diary...

"I really thought if I got the nose job, I'd make it on People's 100 most beautiful. I'll never be as pretty as my sister! Or my boyfriend! Ever!!!! I hate living in her shapely shadow!!! The world is cruel. And now Drew Barrymore is prettier than me?!? Maybe if I get a boob job, I'll get on the cover. Yeah, a boob job. Or maybe if I wore more eyeliner. I wish my dad had named ME Jessica!!!!"

...and then I laugh a little.

Let me end this rant with a request of the media: stop telling us Fergie is hot. And for that matter, Fergie -- stop telling us you're hot. We know you're up in the gym working on your fitness and and you can spell words and stuff, but you're g-r-o-s-s.

2007-04-27T14:27:00.000-04:00

Papa, can you hear me? I don't want to be a scientologist!

You know how the gossip magazines are always obsessed with famous pregnant or rumored-to-be-pregnant mommies? Well, the trend right now seems to be famous deadbeat daddies. So, babies, stay in those frequently snapshotted bellies! It is a cold world out here. There is no love in the air this Spring. Just nasty custody battles.

Whether Hollywood dads are planning to raise their children as scientologists or calling them "little pigs" over the phone, there's a lot of abuse and neglect going around these days.

The most obviously crappy dad at the moment is Alec Baldwin. If you haven't heard his enraged voice-mail to his 11 -- or 12? -- yr-old daughter (hey, if Alec doesn't even know the age of his kid, then I certainly am not going to go to the trouble to look it up), then here it is.

And we all remember Father Lohan and his very public falling-out with his daughter. But of course, we were aware Lindsay didn't have a positive father figure before there was any news about. As she's a drunken slut and all. We know this about Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears, too, as they were both whored out to the media by their fathers and now they do it voluntarily, because it's all they know how to do. Doesn't help that they're stupid. Sad, really.

But what about the recent Ana Nicole Smith debacle? And Eddie Murphy's shun of his ex, Scary Spice, and her unborn baby who supposedly belongs to him? Jerry Springer must be green with envy over all the paternity tests that have been taken lately! "Who's your famous baby's daddy who's after your fortune and/or afraid of the bad press?"

So, when I read this outrageous story of a man who was released from jail to see if he was a good kidney donor for his dying son, but fled to Mexico instead, I just couldn't laugh off these headlines anymore. It's heart-breaking!

Don't these dads know they're raising their kids to grow up to be pop star whores and more deadbeat dads?

2007-04-22T01:49:00.000-04:00

Really, Really?!?

Every guy likes a little wood. Evan Rachel Wood that is. The not-yet-20-year-old actress who wowed critics with her brutal performances in Thirteen and Pretty Persuasion is now Hollywood's latest home wrecker. She's stolen the heart of pseudo-sadist Marilyn Manson, 18 years her senior. But she's really just a rebound. The shock rocker's marriage to fetish model Dita Von Teese ended after only a year, signaling Wood's entrance. But frankly, I think Teese pales in comparison to Wood.

C'mon, Teese has been doing the goth thing for a lot longer. Still, let's face it, Manson has ridiculously good taste. He's courted the not-so-Snow-White porn star Jenna Jameson (I happen to think her personality is more endearing than her breasts) and almost tied the knot with the lovely Rose McGowan:

So, the question isn't if Manson has good taste. The question is: "really, ladies? Really? I know he's famous and supposed to have a super high IQ, but, really?" Well, you know what they say... if he has a big nose and big lips...

2007-04-17T01:09:00.000-04:00

Here today, here tomorrow

They may take our YouTube videos, but they'll never take... our ability to download and save the YouTube videos before they are taken down and then upload them again to the web!!!

Don't you hate it when you read a sensational headline of a story on some blog or news site that then leads to a link to an accompanying YouTube video, which you of course click on -- but instead of seeing the YouTube video, you see the words: "this video is no longer available" or "this video has been removed"? Well, I do. The fact is, if a video has been deleted, that means it was either offensive or it was the property of some cable network -- which means YOU REALLY WANT TO SEE IT NOW.

Curiosity did NOT kill the YouTuber (well, not yet it hasn't).

And now you can see what you weren't supposed to see (like this, a really gross video I'm reluctant to even link to; it features rapper Akon dry humping a poor female fan on stage) ... with Delutube! You can view random formerly-believed-to-be-deceased videos on the site and also plug in broken YouTube URL's to track down specific videos. Sort of reminds me of how the RIAA tried to stop us from downloading copyrighted music and failed miserably at it. If we were only as motivated to making our national government so accessible.

This is not only good news for YouTubers, but it's nice to know that if there was some conspiracy to cover up a video leaked on YouTube... it'd be a hard thing to do.

I guess now we can look forward to Deludelutube... deleted deleted YouTube videos!

2007-04-15T16:27:00.001-04:00

My Love/Hate Relationship with Fall Out Boy

They say first impressions are important. Whether you're going to a job interview or a party or meeting the in-laws or recording an album, you better make a good first impression.

My first impression of Fall Out Boy was not good. "Sugar, We're Goin' Down," the band's first single, was one of the most annoying songs of 2005... and probably the new millennium. I didn't like it the first time I heard it, so imagine how much I hated it the 1000th time I heard it. Lead vocalist Patrick Stump sounded like his nose was stopped up and he mumbled almost all the lyrics. Annoying!

Not surprisingly, the song with the repetitive and grating chorus that haunted me every time I turned on the radio did really well on MTV's "Total Request Live." (On the .01% chance I become a famous musician and my song reaches #1 on "Total Request Live," you have permission to shoot me in the brain. That means I will have lost all credibility as an artist and human being.)

Fall Out Boy's follow-up hits were marginally better than "Sugar," but they still weren't anything extraordinary. "Dance, Dance" and "This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race" sound just like the songs every other boy band is putting out (yes, popular mainstream rock bands of today are bland, carbon copies of each other... no different than Nsync and Backstreet Boys).

Tack on the fact that Fall Out Boy's often-talked-about Pete Wentz is dating Ashlee Simpson... well, you can just assume my stock in the band is abysmally low.

But then I heard the Gym Class Heroes' popular cover of Supertramp's "Take a Look At My Girlfriend." The irresistibly catchy and strangely likable "Cupid's Chokehold" was very much welcomed to my iTunes playlists. And the guy singing the chorus sounded oddly familiar... oh my gosh!... it was Patrick Stump, whose voice I previously thought I very much disliked. So I scratched my head a bit and moved on.

Around this time, I had been listening to and gradually falling in love with The Hush Sound. And what do you know? A song from The Hush Sound featured a familiar voice... Patrick Stumps'! He lent his voice to one of my very favorite Hush Sound tracks, "Don't Wake Me Up"!!!

What's going on?!? My world was turned upside down.

I did a little more investigation into the matter. Turns out Stump produces the band I love so much. Obviously, I'm more of a fan of artists than the people who produce them, but I just couldn't hate Fall Out Boy anymore. At least not with such passion and conviction.

Here's to not judging a band by its first single.

2007-04-12T18:52:00.000-04:00

Daddy's ugly little girl

I want to give a big thanks to Tori Spelling. Tori Spelling, or really her father, paved the way for women everywhere... women who were whacked in the face by the ugly stick -- no, tree, ugly tree, yet were delusional enough to think they could make it in Hollywood. Where there's a will, or a rich, famous father, there's a way.

The Sarah Jessica Parker's of the world are more than welcome to my television screen, as they are smart, funny, and all around talented; their manly features become all the more endearing. (Aw, look at her cute little horse face!)

But hey, let's be candid, most of us could never be famous actors or musicians. Even if we were the best actors and musicians on the planet, unless voters on American Idol liked us I guess, we probably don't have the knock-out looks to be a star. So how is it that Brooke Hogan is one? Most drag queens are better looking.

Only nepotism can describe how some chickies have achieved their stardom. They aren't notable singers (nasal-y high-pitched squeaking does NOT equal singing!), dancers, or actors, and most of all, they don't have the good looks to make up for this severe talent deficiency... I'm looking at you (though I'd rather not), too, Ashlee Simpson... but your nose job isn't half-bad. Hey, get a boob job next, and you'll look even more like your sister! It's no wonder the rock star who's banging you -- Peter Wentz from Fall Out Boy -- might also have a thing for guys too.

Even with professional photographers, pounds of makeup, and the wonders of Photoshop... Brooke Hogan still doesn't pass off as attractive. So how did she manage to take over your television and radio? Well, if Hulk Hogan threatened to beat you up if you didn't give his daughter a record deal, what would you do?

Let's face it, with this guy as your dad, you're bound to look like you have a Y chromosome somewhere in there. And also get a record deal.

So, thanks Tori Spelling.

(PS -- this is the first "official" entry for Funny Celebrity, the rest are all imported from my last blog.)

2007-04-12T18:50:00.000-04:00

You stupid girl

So, I am anything but a closeted MTV reality television fan. I can't help but gawk at the weekly train wrecks. And those train wrecks primarily consist of beautiful girls throwing themselves at the most unattractive, unlikable guys on the planet. (They are all in L.A.)

Pictured here is Lauren Conrad, from "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills," and her ex-beau Jason Wahler. Thank GOD she broke up with him. Not only is Jason rumored to have released a supposed sex tape the couple made (so says Perez Hilton), but he is jail-bound! -- the 20-year-old and his model girlfriend Kristen Deluca were both arrested for physically and verbally assaulting a black tow truck driver who was removing an illegally-parked vehicle andblocking the road. At the time, Jason sported racial epithets and a blood-alcohol level of .22. Someone's trying to pull a Mel Gibson! (Jason has already been arrested this year for underage drinking.)

Lauren could have any guy she wanted -- she's rich, famous, and not to mention gorgeous! And yet, she chose Jason? She gave up a trip to Paris to do a fashion internship to spend the summer with him. What did she see in him? Sure, objectively, he's a good-looking guy. But shouldn't the jerk factor outweigh the hot factor?

Fool Lauren once? Shame on Jason. Fool Lauren twice? Well, it makes for good TV. Off of the heals of Lauren's serious relationship with bad boy Jason, she then dated Brody, who's reputation as a lady's man preceded him. Why would you move on from a drunken racist to a man whore, Lauren? Why? Brody's also best pals with Spencer... who we'll talk about later.

After their brief little fling, Brody then hooked up with Lauren's long-time friend Jen Bunny. The only reason Brody would ever pursue Jen is because it would piss Lauren off (and it did; her and Jen are no longer buddies). Because Jen is NOT PRETTY. She looks like a man. So while Lauren hates Jen, she still hangs out with Brody. Why?!? The guy is obviously a prick. I mean, LOOK AT HIM!

I saved the worst for last. This is Hedi. I can't find a picture of her slimy boyfriend Spencer, so here's sort of what he looks like. Spencer is your quintessential asshole. As he courted Heidi, he also tried to woo over her friend Adriana, assuring Heidi that Adriana was actually after HIM and assuring Adriana that Heidi was nothing short of a stalker-freak.

Adriana was no idiot -- she could smell a creep from a mile away (and being in L.A., I'm sure she's had more than a few sensory overloads). Anyways, she didn't buy it. But what did Heidi do? -- even after Spencer paraded around Playboy bunnies in front of her at a nightclub -- well, she fell in love with him of course!

Heidi is Lauren's former best friend and roommate (Spencer pressured Heidi to move in with him only after a couple of months of dating, likely so he could control her mind)... Spencer and Heidi don't really jive well with the rest of the world and Heidi... not even Lauren approves of Spencer! The horny manipulator epitomizes all the guys who star in "The Hills" -- and some of the guys in "Maui Fever" too.

Even lovable fictional character Pam on "The Office" is stupid about guys. Roy? Over Jim? Really?!?!? (Last week's episode really bummed me out.) Have hot sex with Jim already! And then release your sex tape on the Internet!

The reason all this trash TV struck me, though, is because it really is reality TV, isn't it? I know girls who continue to settle for less, for no reason I can figure out. I've never once dated a guy of this breed, and why would I?

C'mon, you bad-boy-loving ladies. You're making the rest of us look retarded!!!

2007-04-12T18:49:00.000-04:00

Default Blog Entry About the Oscars

So, seeing as how I often comment on the entertainment industry and would like to one day do that professionally, I figured I ought to blog about the upcoming 7,723rd Academy Awards. I've done something like that before. The caveat, here, is that I don't really care about the Oscars. I've tried to get enthusiastic about it, but I mean, Ben Affleck has an Oscar.

And also, I have a short attention span. (As does the ceremony's orchestra, which starts playing music five seconds into every award-winner's speech.)

Anyways, here are my opinions on this year's nominees.

I don't know and won't pretend to know who will win.

I haven't even seen a good chunk of the films nominated. Scorsese could maybe get lucky this year just because the Academy feels guilty for dissing him last year. That tends to happen.

I'm shocked that Alfonso Cuaron didn't get a nod for directing Children of Men.

But yeah, that's all I got.

Seriously, unless there's some kind of financial incentive, I'm not going to play the guessing game. Fuck, I may not even watch the Oscars this year!

I will make a few bold predictions though. Somebody will make fun of George Bush. An actress will wear a revealing dress. Any takers? And I have no idea why this text is so small. Fucking blogger.

2007-04-12T18:48:00.000-04:00

No News is Good News?

As a journalism student, I'm supposed to follow the news pretty closely. Oh, and as an informed citizen too I guess. But as much as I love the BBC, I get really depressed reading the stories of the day -- especially from Africa and the Middle East. (I have a few bookmarked news sites and I've put them in the folder titled "Everything's Gone to Hell.")

While I don't plan on skipping on the negative news reports any time soon, I do plan on visiting this site more often. There is some news that is actually good news. It does exist! Don't just read about car bombs in Iraq. Read the sappier stories too... specifically the one about the 25-million-year-old frog.

Ps. In other non-Middle East related news, Britney Spears has undergone her latest metamorphosis... Virgin Schoolgirl to Trashy Whore and now, Little Boy:

(And Britney, just because you can shave your head, doesn't mean that you can also get a degree from Harvard and be a kick ass actress. FYI.)

2007-04-12T18:46:00.000-04:00

MTV Reality TV Show Review

Thanks to my family's Digital Video Recorder and HBO on Demand, I always have hours of cable television to catch up with whenever I visit home. My roommates and I are stuck with one measly network channel, Fox, and what's worse is apparently every program on Fox features characters who only interact outside on snowy days. Or maybe there's something wrong with the reception.

Anyhow, there are so few genuinely good shows on television these days, that I choose to embrace the intentionally awful ones with loads of enthusiasm. Now, there are the standard shows I'll always be loyal to -- like "The Office" and the deceased "Sex and the City." However, while when it comes to movies, I can sometimes be a snob -- though not on purpose, mind you -- I'm not like that with television. It's like people are granted "good taste" amnesty when it comes to television, reality television in particular.

But here's the thing -- I only enjoy the stuff that's overtly tacky and vapid. The stuff that pretends to boast substance is annoying.

So, as you might have guessed, I happen to really enjoy MTV reality shows. Seeing as how I'm fairly familiar with MTV's reality TV show lineup, I thought I'd do a wrap-up of what this season has to offer.

Oldies, but goodies:

"The Hills"

The follow-up to the hit show "Laguna Beach" features its alumna, Lauren (or LC), as she tries to make it big in the Los Angeles fashion industry, alongside her best gal pal and roomie Heidi. In the second season of "The Hills," we see a new and improved LC, one that actually talks! The LC of "Laguna Beach" was just a pretty face, but this time around, she almost seems interesting. Currently, however, the plot has revolved around spunky, annoyingly obvious Heidi, black-haired beauty Adrina, and smooth-talking Spencer. Basically, Spencer has desperately been trying to get into Adrina's pants, while assuring Heidi he "more than likes" her, not Adrina. Aw, how romantic. Anyways, however staged it is, it makes for good TV. It's fun to watch rich, beautiful, shallow people try to find love in all the wrong places (i.e. from other rich, beautiful, shallow people).

"Real World"

Now, "Real World" used to have a little street credit. Back in the day, MTV cast everyday young adults on the show. Folks you could relate to!

These young adults always came from wildly different backgrounds and would only ever be friends if they were fictional characters on a sitcom (as fictional characters on sitcoms rarely ever would like each other in real life -- think "Friends"), or, of course if they were... "picked to live in a house, work together and have their lives taped, to find out what happens when..." blah blah blah.

But anyways, the past few seasons of "Real World" have relied on a more basic, ratings-driven formula: just put really hot, party girls in the house. Fortunately, the three hot, party girls on "Real World: Denver" this year are mostly nut cases. Well, Colie (despite her strange, melodramatic behavior at the hospital when she got mono) seems pretty normal. But Brooke and Jenn each have their share of mental problems and the four guys in the house are always caught in the crossfire.

My favorite of the lot is frat boy Alex, who sort of reminds me of B.J. Novak's character in "The Office" -- he casually plays along, knowing full well the house is full of crazies. He might crack pretty soon though...

"Next"

What I like about "Next," which is still in full swing, is it perfectly illustrates what the downtown hook-up scene is all about -- simply placing your bets, buying girls drinks (or being bought drinks by guys), all in an effort to find the hottest ass out there. "Next" is simply a formalized, gimmicky version of that.

In "Next," you have your main girl or guy (usually good-looking, usually hollow) who is given the opportunity to do some serious, hands-on speed dating.

The "Next" bus is packed full of the eager daters; most are physically attractive, but there are typically a few ugly and/or plain weird ones thrown into the mix too. So anyways, the daters each get to go on a date with the main "Next" star, in an order pre-determined by MTV. The main girl/guy can "next" the dater at any point (it's always funny when a dater is nexted -- new verb! -- before ever opening his or her mouth). If the main girl/guy decides he or she likes a dater enough to go on a second date with (or have sex with) them, that dater gets the choice to go on a second date with (or have sex with) the main girl/guy or get a dollar for every minute spent on the date. Spend an hour on the date? Well, you can either go home with your dating partner or take home 60 dollars. I'd go with the 60 bucks -- probably won't give you an STD.

"Next" slyly mocks the superficial, boring, stupid people who go on it and that's why I like it. MTV gives the stilted dating contestants the BEST lines to say as they introduce themselves to viewers.

"My Super Sweet 16"

"My Super Sweet 16" is just what it sounds like; every episode revolves around one or two soon-to-be-16-yr-olds planning the sweetest party EVER. They all have a few things in common: they're obnoxious and spoiled and they want to throw a sweet 16 party fit for, well, a BRAT. "My Super Sweet 16" is a shocking look into parenting gone very, very wrong and is also really hard to flip the channel away from.

New guilty pleasures:

"Maui Fever"

If you thought "Laguna Beach" felt surreal and staged, well, "Maui Fever" takes the cake. The cast mainly consists of bleached surfer dudes who openly pursue unemotional one night stands every single night of the week, it seems. But only after their long, hard days of teaching surf lessons... to their potential one night stands (tourists are great for meaningless sexual encounters!) who they then recruit for the parties they hold every night. There are two equally promiscuous, but slightly more intriguing, girls on the show; girl # 1, Chaunte, toys around with the only guy who has any heart on the show, Anthony. How thoughtful of her.

"Maui Fever" is the more mature, sorry did I say mature?, I meant slutty, version of "Laguna Beach." It's oddly fascinating because I had no idea people could lead such empty, sex-obsessed lives. But can you really blame them? There is a lot of sun in Hawaii and the sun is really hot and after a while, doesn't it start to kill brain cells?

"Exposed"

This is the latest dating show on MTV and essentially, two daters vie for the approval and acceptance of the main girl/guy. Except, as the main girl/guy interviews the two contestants, their best friend is feeding them questions to ask (through a secret ear piece) and alerting them to which answers are honest and which answers are complete bull shit. (Thanks to a 'lie detector,' or voice stress analyzer that MTV makes sure to inform is only used for entertainment purposes at the end of the show.)

So that's a fun twist. Except the questions are usually incredibly lame. "Have you ever picked your nose while driving in the car?" "Do you pee in the shower?" That's like truth or dare fodder -- come on, you have a real chance at putting these potential boyfriends/girlfriends on the spot and seeing them for who they really are! Ask them if they're homophobic or racist! Oh, wait... why is there even a need for a voice stress analyzer here? Do you really care if you hook up with a liar and a cheater if you're never going to call them again?

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Shows like "Date My Mom," which I liked a lot, haven't been around much these days -- I guess MTV wants to give "Exposed" and "Maui Fever" a turn.

(On a side note, how scandalous would it be if they did a "Date My Dad?" So wouldn't work!)

Other shows, like "The Duel," I never really quite got, but people seem to like it because it's on ALL THE TIME. It has a little more brains than its peers, though. As does "Dancelife," which I want to give a few viewings before I comment about it.

In my next entry, I'll be reviewing TV dinners, the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen video series, and porn.

2007-04-12T18:45:00.000-04:00

What I've learned from YouTube and "American Idol"

*Americans are delusional. They think they are more interesting and talented and insightful and funny than they really are... case in point:

*Atheists and Christians really do dislike each other (seriously, there's now a video war between them on YouTube... hey, folks, if technology means we now fight with video blogs instead of bombs, I think it's probably okay)

*We ought to leave artsy filmmaking up to the experts (YouTubers: just hit record, don't try to get fancy... because you kind of pretty much suck); I'd share a poorly-made YouTube video here, but it's really hard to pick out just ONE and more importantly, I don't want them to get seen and become even more popular than they already are

*The best stuff in life is free or, was originally aired on cable and then uploaded to YouTube so people could watch it for free and then promptly taken down because of copyright laws (boy do I wish Jon Stewart was easier to access)

2007-04-12T18:44:00.000-04:00

Why do celebs like to put their foot in their mouths and show us their vaginas?

I wonder sometimes, I really do. We all say the wrong thing at the wrong time occasionally. But I've never gone on a racist tirade like Mel Gibson or Michael Richards or accidentally flashed my vagina to people (nonetheless a camera), more than once, like Lindsay Lohan.

We all hear daily stories of famous people's boobs slipping out of dresses and famous people saying offensive or stupid things. Danny DeVito, for instance, recently made a drunken fool of himself on "The View." I wouldn't so much as go to work or a family dinner wasted... so I doubt I'd ever go on national television.

Jessica Simpson has had more than a handful of near nipple slips and of course her odd confusion of tuna and chicken was great fodder for the late-night comedians.

Yes, movie stars and Paris Hilton have paparazzi constantly taking pictures of them and trying to catch them on a bad hair day or whatever, but they also have public relation teams, so shouldn't that just make them the least likely to insult African Americans and Jews and not wear so much as a thong under their uber-short skirts and dresses? Maybe sometimes they are careless because it actually is good PR to show your vagina to people. Even if your vagina is ugly.

I have a simple request. Lindsay Lohan and company -- please stop shoving your feet in your mouths and your vaginas in our face! Thanks, hugs and kisses!