Papa, can you hear me? I don't want to be a scientologist!



You know how the gossip magazines are always obsessed with famous pregnant or rumored-to-be-pregnant mommies? Well, the trend right now seems to be famous deadbeat daddies. So, babies, stay in those frequently snapshotted bellies! It is a cold world out here. There is no love in the air this Spring. Just nasty custody battles.

Whether Hollywood dads are planning to raise their children as scientologists or calling them "little pigs" over the phone, there's a lot of abuse and neglect going around these days.

The most obviously crappy dad at the moment is Alec Baldwin. If you haven't heard his enraged voice-mail to his 11 -- or 12? -- yr-old daughter (hey, if Alec doesn't even know the age of his kid, then I certainly am not going to go to the trouble to look it up), then here it is.

And we all remember Father Lohan and his very public falling-out with his daughter. But of course, we were aware Lindsay didn't have a positive father figure before there was any news about. As she's a drunken slut and all. We know this about Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears, too, as they were both whored out to the media by their fathers and now they do it voluntarily, because it's all they know how to do. Doesn't help that they're stupid. Sad, really.

But what about the recent Ana Nicole Smith debacle? And Eddie Murphy's shun of his ex, Scary Spice, and her unborn baby who supposedly belongs to him? Jerry Springer must be green with envy over all the paternity tests that have been taken lately! "Who's your famous baby's daddy who's after your fortune and/or afraid of the bad press?"

So, when I read this outrageous story of a man who was released from jail to see if he was a good kidney donor for his dying son, but fled to Mexico instead, I just couldn't laugh off these headlines anymore. It's heart-breaking!

Don't these dads know they're raising their kids to grow up to be pop star whores and more deadbeat dads?